It Came from IKEA
Your giant toy snake is utterly realistic.

Moonraker

Moonraker

Mr. Bond falls into a pool containing a huge, Bond-eating python, but he defies Drax’s latest attempt to plan an amusing death for him by stabbing the python in the throat with a pen. “You’re not a sportsman, Mr. Bond,” says the quotable Drax. “Why did you break off the encounter with my pet python?” Bond’s inevitably cringeworthy riposte: “I discovered he had a crush on me.” Groan.

Now, the snake in question is almost certainly not real — even in the opening frames, where it’s flicking its tongue most realistically, I think it’s a fake. The pattern most closely resembles a Reticulated Python — in this case, a morbidly obese one. But Reticulated Pythons come from southeast Asia; Drax’s lair is in the Amazon. Could there possibly have been a large, aquatic snake indigenous to the Amazon that would have been capable of snuffing the life out of gonorrheic British secret agents? I know there is one; the name’s on the tip of my tongue …

Pussy Beat 2

Pornographic movies play with Freudian snake symbolism, but do so so badly. Take, for example, this clip that has been making the rounds of the Internets; it’s from a 1997 porn flick called (sigh) Pussy Beat 2. “You gotta really watch out for the garter snakes,” says the diminutive English teacher (garter snakes?!), but the giant snake that descends upon him and his Hungarian exchange student (sigh) could have come straight from the IKEA catalogue. Laugh as he rolls around battling the obviously fake snake! Wince as he utters the cheese-o-rama line that segues from this lame introduction to — well, this clip is on YouTube, so it fades to black at this point. You know what happens next.

Women of the Prehistoric Planet

Women of the Prehistoric Planet

The Adam-and-Eve plot twist was already old hat when Women of the Prehistoric Planet was released in 1966, a movie strangely uncontaminated by prehistoric women. In a scene that in no way has anything to do with foreshadowing, one of the expendable crewmen says, after an encounter with a giant stock-footage iguana that they lasered into burning papier-mache, “If that’s the way they grow lizards around here, I’d hate to run into a snake.” And wouldn’t you know it, a snake shows up mere minutes later — after all, you can’t have a transparently bad science-fiction take on Adam and Eve without a snake, can you? Even if it’s a big, menacing snake … well okay, it’s a half-grown Boa Constrictor that, once shot by a pocket crossbow, magically morphs into a rubber snake that looks nothing like it. Still: eek. Amirite?

Best viewed in the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version: can’t be too careful.

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