Vol. 3, No. 2 (20 January 1995)

By GOSH!

"Don't you read history?" —Capt. Picard

ANNOUNCEMENTS AND VARIOUS KIBBLES

THE GOSH COFFEE HOUR is starting up again—at least that's what [ TH ] tells me. It'll be starting soon, but I'm not sure when. Talk to her; I can't remember anything she told me.

BACK ISSUES of BY GOSH are available from [email protected]

BY GOSH is a work of satire and is not to be taken seriously.


THE FARTS TONIGHT: FLO AND ANGUS FLATULATE AT THE MOVIES

with Florence Wankworth-Scupperfield and Angus McWetboy

Flo: Welcome to THE FARTS TONIGHT. I'm Florence Wankworth-Scupperfield, film critic and firearms specialist.

Angus: And I'm Angus McWetboy, specialist in dinosaur fascism and cheese.

Flo: And we're broadcasting live from Ernie's House of Crap and RV Sales on the BY GOSH Satellite Network. Today we will be reviewing the Japanese film classic, RASHOMON. The topic for discussion is this: what similarities are there between RASHOMON and that other classic of cinematography, HOWARD THE DUCK?

Angus: Florence Wankworth-Scupperfield, I'm somewhat confused by your choice of topic. I find it difficult to see connections between RASHOMON and HOWARD THE DUCK—the latter, after all, being the far superior film.

Flo: Well, for one thing, there was bestiality in HOWARD THE DUCK. This motif representing the innate desire to colonize the, the duck through . . . human sexuality is somehow . . . opaque in RASHOMON.

Angus:That's understandable—there's no bestiality at all in RASHOMON.

Flo: What about the horse?

Angus: What about it?

Flo: Is there a . . . Catherine the Great motif at work here, or am I imposing my . . . privileged perspective? I see an anthropomorphization of the animals in these films. No one ever considered the horse's perspective in RASHOMON, yet it was central to the film. I mean, look, they asked a dead guy, why can't they have asked a horse? As for Howard, he was a fake duck. A decoy.

Angus: Uh-huh. Well, this is all very interesting, but you've missed the most important motif in the comparison of these two films. In fact, it's so important that I must wonder whether about the lobotomization of your frontal lobes.

Flo: Don't get fresh. What is it?

Angus: Dairy products.

Flo: They were not present in either film.

Angus: So what? Does that mean they're not important? I mean, just because they're not present in the film, that means we have to ignore the sacred food of the cow. Or the goat. Or whatever. I mean, how long must yoghurt go before it receives the respect it deserves. It's not just for breakfast, dammit! And let's talk about cheese—and this is the crux of both films, I believe—

Flo: You obtuse piece of flotsam.

Angus: —that the issue of the cheese weevil is something that all film critics have ignored. Consider the potential culpability of derangement from a cheese weevil infection as an alternate explanation of the rape and murder in RASHOMON. Everyone knows how cheese weevils work: they live in cheese, but don't eat it, awaiting a hungry creature to take a bite of the luscious dairy morsel.

Flo: (groan)

Angus: And once a bite is taken, the little cheese weevil flies up the nose of the cheese nosher, burrowing into the brain, causing madness . . . and death, Kirk. I think that's what happened in RASHOMON. Everyone ate contaminated cheese. And that's also what happened to Jeffrey Jones's character in HOWARD THE DUCK . . .

Flo: I should say something about madness. Angus, have you ever noticed that your dairy fetish is stunningly inaccurate? I think your madness is derived from a brain fever and your humours. I don't think you should be allowed to ride a bicycle in future.

Angus: I'm weevil-free. Were you sufficiently breast-fed as a child?

Flo: Well at least I wasn't fed on rancid cheese!

Angus: It wasn't rancid! It was . . . well-cured, is all. Tadzhik cheese is like that, you know. It's supposed to be made from sour milk, vinegar, horseradish and yak shit.

Flo: And that concludes THE FARTS TONIGHT. We're not sure what next week's film is, but whatever it is, we'll compare it to the opening episode of STAR TREK: VOYAGER. I'm Florence Wankworth-Scupperfield. And he's a festering pile of rancid curd. See you next week!


MARKING OUTTAKES

This week: De Gaulle, Vichy France, the Occupation and the Resistance.

"... where the governing power was headed by Vichy. ... however, he was very anti-semetic [sic] ... Vichy was resisting the Germans ... the French nation was unhappy with Vichy."

"... came into power after the Vichy Regime was unsuccessful in defending France from Germany."

"Vichy Regime: was a regime established of active collaborators. Significant because these individuals took a stand against Nazis."

"Charles de Gaulle ... was French ... but was not part of the resistance."

"Vichy Regime: was like a Ghetto that was in France. After Germany had captured France, he got support from some France people to run. Which it was really a camp for Jewish people."

"The regime in Vichy France, the southern part of France, was a natural product of France and not German ordered." [Would you like fries with that?]


MY GOD! MY GOD! SOMEONE ACTUALLY SUBMITTED SOMETHING! (EXCEPT THAT I'M NOT SURE WE'RE GLAD HE DID)

————— Forwarded message —————
Date: Fri, 20 Jan 1995 11:28:45 -0500
From: David Coppard 
To: [email protected]
Subject: Actual BY GOSH submission

Hello, Jonathan. I was ruminating on the daily horror of living in this
ice-bound nightmare land you call Ontario the other day and I came up with a
list:

Top 5 Reasons why Ontario is Better than B.C.

5. no one is smug about being from Ontario
4. real Canadians freeze in the dark
3. hockey fans regularly spared anxiety of a serious Stanley Cup run
2. very few trees or mountains to block the view
1. you're so happy when you leave

next issue: Top 2 Reasons Why Living in Manitoba is Better Than Being
Pounded With a Shovel.

[Ah, this great country, stretching from Port Alberni to Kamloops. —JHC]


NEAT QUOTE

Submitted by [ TH ]
Then there is envy. Some of the coloured people [blacks in Nottingham, England] earn extra good wages and buy small houses and cars, but their happy-go-lucky temperament shows in a way that irritates many white people, particularly those of low intelligence—in a 'flashy' car instead of a 'sober' one, radios at full volume into the early hours of the morning, and people whistling and calling to each other from their houses and lodgings.
—"Why Racial Clash Occurred," The Times (London), 27 Aug. 1958, p. 4

Send us any neat quotes you find in the course of your research. Submitters will receive the BY GOSH Certificate for Those Who Didn't Have Enough Friends as a Child.


PUBLIC HISTORY CO-OP WORK TERM CLASSIFIEDS

Brought to you as a public nuisance by BY GOSH

PUBLIC HISTORIAN WANTED. Must have MA in public history. Responsibilities include the history of excrement in Canadian peacekeeper initiation rites. Own shovel an asset, as are desensitized taste buds. Apply to 2nd Airborne, CFB Petawawa.

RESEARCH ASSISTANT URGENTLY REQUIRED. Department of Finance, Government of Canada. Must be qualified in the search for loose change between couch cushions and the impact on federal debt reduction. Must provide feasability study, plus own vacuum. PhD or ABD required.

DEMANDE D'ASSISTANT DE RECHERCHE. Le Gouvernement de Québec a besoin d'un rechercheur ou rechercheuse qui est capable de prouver la necessité absolut de se séparer du Canada. Ceux qui croit de l'objectivité ou l'existence des faits absoluts ne doit pas y appliquer.


NEXT WEEK: MORE MARKING OUT-TAKES (KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN FOR 'EM, FOLKS— WE'LL BE RUNNING OUT SOON)! THE RETURN OF FLO AND ANGUS! AND MORE VITALLY IMPORTANT WORK TERM JOB POSTINGS!

By GOSH: Jan 20 / Jan 27 / Mar 6 1995
a strange part of mcwetboy.net

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